06 June 2015

Birthdays are a Great TimeTo Evaluate Things


I've been a big ball of stress lately. I can feel it. In my chest. A big ball of stress, clenching, pulling at me, stretching me.

Right now, it feels as if every single facet of my life is putting pressure on me in some way. Some of these are only small and others seem quite substantial. There are so many things impacting upon me, but most of them aren't my story to tell.

I want to enjoy my life. I want to spend some time with my family. But I'm so grumpy. More than grumpy. Sometimes, left alone with my thoughts, I feel quite angry. And/or sulky. I love nothing more than to dance around the living room with the MissyMoos and when, we do this, it's great. But it doesn't happen often enough for my liking. Instead of appreciating all the awesomeness in life, I find myself rolling around in the sh!t life is throwing our way.

I want to hang out with friends, but I sometimes feel a little on the outer. I know this has nothing to do with my friends and everything to do with my inability to relax right now.

I'm trying to get rid of the word "should" from my self-talk. But eliminating the word " should" is hard to do when so many things in life feel like obligations. I think eliminating "should" is unrealistic as a working parent. But reducing "shoulds" is achievable and something I'm aiming for.

The trouble is, I know what I need to do for stress management. I've read all about it, I've got people talking at me about it, and those things are all beginning to sound like "shoulds" too. 

I'm sick of being told what to do.

I'm about to turn 34, why am I still "obedient" ... to my "should" thoughts, to other people, to life?

I appreciate kindness from others, I appreciate consideration and caring people give and share. I am sometimes (pleasantly) surprised by people's warmth, although I needn't be surprised, because there is so much good in so many people, particularly those in my life and community.

I know what brings me joy and what reduces my stress. Funnily enough, I know me. It's a great thing about getting older. I don't need suggestions. I don't need "advice". I need time and space to choose what's right for me. And recognition from would-be advice givers that what relaxes you might actually stress me out ... and vice versa! Like I said, one great thing about getting older is that I know me.

I don't like to be pushed out of my comfort zone all the time - sometimes is fine to help me "grow" but a barrage of challenges is just bloody hard work. I'm not fussed about going to the hairdresser or getting my nails done. Spending heaps of money on "stuff" makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like being disorganised.

I like to stay at home and dance with the MissyMoos, or cuddle up with a story, or tell funny jokes. A bit of time away from calls of "mum" is nice, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. They're cool little people. I like to go to the shops to buy pretty house stuff (but not the try-hard Sydney-imitation shopping centres a 40 minute drive away - local is more my thing). I like to turn the volume up and belt out a few tunes on the drive home from work. I like going for walks. I like playing guitar. I like reading. I like knitting. I like writing. Praying works for me.

I haven't made much headway into making my house a home because I've been trying to keep my head above water. But that's a vicious cycle. Doing the little things each day which will reduce my stress levels are also, in part, going to make our house feel more like home. It's all about feeling comfortable.

So, for the age of 34, I am going to try to own my knowledge of me. To do what I know to be best for me and for my family. To enjoy and increase the comforts of home. To have some time out (but not so much that I feel disconnected from my loved ones). To spend time with friends. To pray. To write lists that help me, but not overwhelm me. To take charge of my wellbeing.









2 comments:

  1. I hope you had a fabulous birthday and you're such a spring chicken that has achieved so much in your years - here's to lots more. Just take time to enjoy the brief moments of peace when they present themselves!

    ReplyDelete

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